Aug 28, 2008

A-Lone-Ly Existence

I love my busy days.
even tho i complain about them too much.
it's when i'm busy i don't have time to think.
and like i said before, thinking hurts me.

i just like being busy. being physically active, going out, thinking about what to do, what to write, whom to meet, really gets me going.
as long as i'm not cooped in my room alone for too long. or being alone for too long.
in the past week, there's rarely a day when i'm alone. there's always someone with me.
either nad, or syazwan, or yan, or anyone.

i really miss school days when i'm never alone.
it's either with aisyah, or mimi, or the basketball geeks.
or with rezuan, or with wan ali.
or just laughing out loud with anet, lie and syeila.
never alone.

or should i say, i never felt lonely back then?

Aug 26, 2008

losing somebody

my friend's only grandmother passed away yesterday morning.
i'm not particularly close to that guy, but i befriended his gang.
he sat behind me during lectures.
we don't really talk to each other, because it seems awkward. i never knew what to say to him.
and we just don't clicked.
he's a bit kerek and all, but he's truly a nice guy.
and he loved his grandmother very much.
at least i knew that much because i caught him talking about his grandma now and then.
and the way he talked about her, well it's just filled with love.

losing somebody is hard. it will never be easy. but after you've done crying, you just have to brace yourself up and pick up the pieces. And move on.

maybe the hardest thing to do is moving on, but, we will try our best, won't we, dude?

anyways, it's not my place to write about it here. i'm sorry.

Aug 23, 2008

my ass hurts

hari yang super penat.
pergi, balik dan pergi lagi.
sampai 3 kali. mengagumi jugakla ketahanan diri hari ni.
hopefully i'll sleep soundly tonight.

oh MSK, cepatla selesai.
dah tak larat nak pegi bantul lagi.
sakit bontot tau naik motor 30 minit!

Now playing: Stone Temple Pilots - Interstate Love Song
via FoxyTunes

Aug 21, 2008


pesal la bila aku dah nak lupakan orang, orang tu jugak yg akan igtkan aku kepada dia?

i'm sick of living in uncertainty, hoping for something that could never be.
when i finally decided to let go, he came back and haunts me.

shitty isn't it?

after ignoring me for nearly 2 years.

i don't give a damn anymore.

Aug 15, 2008

The Great Love Story: Part 2

Slamming her room door shut, Mitch threw herself on her bed, and anxiously opened the letter that simply addressed, To Mitch. Written on an A4 foolscap paper, there’s nothing special about the letter, except the content of it. Holding the dear handwritten letter close to her heart, she wiped the tears that had fallen down and started to read it.

Dear Mitch,

Are you shocked seeing Abel? He looks exactly like me didn’t he? Did you called out my name when you saw him? I think I can imagine seeing your stunned face when he responded. You thought I had risen from the grave, didn’t you? Ha-ha! You still as silly as you were back then, aren’t you? I’m not Lestat you know, even though I tried hard to convince you that I’m a vampire. You don’t really believe that, right? You’re not that stupid, or do you?

Stupid Cain. Dead and still joking. And he knew exactly how I reacted. How I wish to kick his sorry ass, or even stomped on his grave. Grumbling, Mitch continued reading the letter.

It’s been four years since my death. I’m sure what was left of my body at this time are just my bones and teeth. Other parts had gone back to earth, as a part of the big life cycle. My deeds are being judged I’m sure, though I’m not sure how I fared in that part. A lot had happened to me in four years, I think. What about you?

Let me guess. During the first year, you were drowning in depression. You refused to eat, or leave your room. You sealed off all the windows, and painted your room black. You cried until there’s no more tears left of you. Thousands of “things” were written for me, expressing how much you missed me. You tried to kill yourself, but you don’t have the heart to let your family cleaned up the mess.

Or not.

What happened actually was the exact opposite. Instead of being depressed, Mitch pushed herself harder. She smiled more, and lived a “normal” life. Extra lessons were taken; she busied herself with clubs and student body. Projects were done; it was the most productive year of her life. Only one poem was written of Cain. She spoke of him as if he’s still alive. Tears rarely fell, and to her friends, she looked like she’s moving on with her life.

I was kidding about the first year part. I know you are stronger than that. That’s what I respect about you. You can take a beating and get the best out of it. Optimistic is a good thing, you know. Though it doesn’t suit your gloom, doom image. Not that it matters to you anyway, right?

Anyways, it pains me to write this letter to you. Because this shows I know I’m about to die, and that I had lied to you. I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to. I just don’t want to see the pained look in your eyes and the tell-tale puffiness of you’ve been crying. Maybe I’m just being a coward, but I hope that you will forgive me. I only love you too much.


There’s never been a day I did not thank God for letting us meet. You were my savior from day one, despite all those things I’ve done to you. Without you I think I would be in really deep shit. Or died too early. You made me picked up the pieces of my life and built a better one. Helping me be a better person without you even knowing it. Not being judgmental. With you, instead of feeling like my whole life was a huge mistake, it had become one interesting adventures with memorable ups and downs. Heck, you even make my junkie days looked fun! I think you’re the only one that can make grey looks beautiful. By the way, I still hate the color yellow, and that bright yellow shirt you bought me? Well, you’re having it dude, it’s that purple torn-out shirt with yellow underlying. What was left of it was too tattered to wear so I hid it at the back of my closet.

Furious, she took off her shirt and checked the yellow fabrics. True to his words, Cain did use the yellow shirt she gave him on his birthday to make that particular outfit of hers. She didn’t know whether to yell at him or to cry, yelling for mutilating the shirt she had given, crying because she never knew he made this t-shirt himself.

And before you started to get teary-eyes, no, I didn’t make the shirt. I designed it but, Kirk was the one making it. It was his idea to put yellow fabric underlying. So kill him, since it’s not my fault.

Now she did let out a frustrated scream.

The letter was all too similar of her relationship with Cain.

dark thoughts

i hope you'll die.
so that i can be free.

Aug 14, 2008

The Great Love Story: Part 1

Gone for nearly 3 weeks!!

since i'm kinda having a raging headache now, i'll just cheat by posting a story i'm currently writing.
hopefully, i'll manage to finish it. XD

The Greatest Love Story

Ten minutes before class. Frantically Mitch threw all her books into her bag and raced towards her trusted scooter. As the engine roared, she put on her helmet then throttled her way to class. In a typical Mitch’s do-or-die style, she cut through the traffic and arrived just seconds away before 8 am.

Thank god she’s not the last to arrive. There would be more after her. Relieved, she climbed up the staircase to the lecture hall before slumping away on her usual seat. Save for now. Hollering at her girlfriend Lizzy, who had just showed up, her day started as usual.

Two hours later, totally sapped out of her life force, a zombied Mitch appeared outside the hall. Her stomach rumbled, reminding her not to linger around, as she was rushing down the stairs chasing after her friends, something caught her attention. Before she can stop herself, she called out.


Cain looked at her and started walking towards Mitch’s direction. Mitch looked in joy and disbelieved, all the while she thought her brain was playing tricks on her. Three long strides and he were standing right in front of her with outstretched hand and a grin.

“Hey Mitch, Cain sent me here. I’m Abel. Nice seeing ya”

First word that flew from her mouth was ‘fuck’. Recovering, she took the offered hand and smiled.

“The mysterious brother. What honor do I owe this visit to? And what crap about Cain sending you here? He’s been dead for 4 years now”

Four long years had gone since Cain’s tragic death. It hurt her still to think about it, not lessening one bit, let alone speak about it. It shown on her face, and quickly she hid it. Cain’s brother or not, this guy is a stranger. No stranger need to know about Cain, nor his death, nor her life after his uncalled departure. Not even his twin brother who looked so much like him and yet so different. Composing herself, she withdrew her hand from the shake.

A rock princess. She looked like it, and she definitely had the life of it. That was how Mitch looked like to Abel. There’s no mistaking the black hair cropped short with streaks of blue and red, leather choker and studded wristband, artistically torn purple t-shirt showing yellow fabrics underneath, tartan skirt and impossibly high platform boots laden with buckles. If that’s not enough, her overly pale skin and excessively made up eyes definitely convinced him. It made him wonder whether she purposefully avoided sunlight just to achieve the look. Slung on her shoulder was a big, shiny, purple bag with simple clean lines to balance the chaos of her clothing. She’s not beautiful, but not easy to miss. Different from everyone, it’s a wonder if she even belonged there.

Abel grinned to hide his distaste of her choice of style. He started to get irritated with his deceased brother for forcing him to make that promise. What he thought would be simple thing, turns out to be not so simple after all. Still he grinned for Mitch to see with her distrustful eyes. Searching his pocket, he pulled out a letter and gave it to Mitch.

“Cain asked me to pass this to you. Sorry it took four years. He specifically asked me to give this to you four years after his death. Why he wanted that I don’t know. I’m just the messenger.”

Snatching the letter out of Abel’s hand, Mitch eyes watered. She hold the letter like a fragile parchment, a rough handling can destroy it to pieces. Furiously saying thank you, she cannot stop the tears from flowing down her cheeks. Black stained her face as she ran to her scooter, leaving Abel without even saying goodbye. She wanted to hurry back to her room and read the last words of Cain to her.

Abel turned away and left. His work for now is done.