Sep 30, 2007

a letter

dear GOD,

I'm thankful that I've been born a Muslim
I'm thankful that I've never blame You for all the bad things that had happened to me
I'm thankful that I've been blessed with a happy family, good friends, and a good brain
I'm thankful that I've never had the need to support my own self
I'm thankful that even though with all the things happened to me, I'm still happy
I'm thankful that I'm alive
I'm thankful for every single moment of my life
I know that I'm not that good, but I'm thankful that You always give me the chances to be better.

Thank you.

Sep 26, 2007

Diaries, NANA and BLAME!

i don't write diaries anymore.

maybe because i find putting my feelings on paper difficult.
maybe because i seem to be in front of the laptop most of the time, writing in a blog seems almost like a second nature.
and maybe because the best way to hide something is to put it in view.

one bad catch with blog though..i can't put my doodles here...i mean those silly sketches i did when i'm bored, sad, and just have the feeling like i wanna draw.

lately i'm obsessed with NANA, and the art book of Tsutomu Nihei (maker of BLAME!).

why NANA?
because NANA is a tragic story about rock bands and love. and nobody is cooler than Nana herself. not to mention all those pretty clothes and beautiful work of Yazawa Ai (also lots of Vivienne Westwood's stuff).

from left, Ren and Nana

and the music from the anime is simply beautiful. be it Anna Tsuchiya (inspi' Nana/Black Stone) or OLIVIA (inspi' Reira/Trapnest). and since what had happened to me lately, i found companion in songs sung by "Nana", either [rose], [stand by me], or [kuroi namida]..makes me feel as if Nana really understand what i'm feeling..
basically, to understand my way of thinking now, understand NANA. then you'll understand my needs for rock music and cigarettes. well, not cigarette maybe..but definitely rock music and Vivienne Westwood.

and BLAME! is just to satisfy my needs for reading mind-twisting sci-fi manga with beautiful artwork...
to me, currently, no manga-ka with work as detail and as intriguing as Tsutomu Nihei...when I'm down, the monsters of Nihei reflect me. When I'm happy, the adventures of Killy captivate me.

picture showing Killy and his trusted gun

by the did i end up talking bout NANA and BLAME! when it was about diaries first??

Sep 23, 2007

memories of ayah

today i feel especially down. thus two entries of my blog...

it's been 11 days since my dad passed away, and i definitely still feel his lost.. being the eldest of the family and the only girl makes me especially close to ayah. i like to think that I'm the one resemble him the most, though in fact i do not know whether it's true or not.

ayah is my true idol. all i did, i'm just copying him. he's a great sportsman, i learned to play sport. he's a good artist, i started drawing. he's good with people, i observed and try to be like him. he's a great teacher, i tried to be a good friend..

when i was small, around 7 or 8 years old, i was a stubborn, hard-headed child. i would bully my youngest brother mercilessly and of course, my mom would get mad at me. being an obstinate child, I'd argue with her, and that made ayah especially mad. i'm the only one in the family that got all the "special" treatment from him; canning, being locked outside, being locked in the bathroom, etc. due to my stubbornness. but i always forgave him afterwards, because he always explained to me the reason he did that in his gentle, understanding voice.

i grew up later without much arguments with my family. however, my self crisis didn't ended there.

i prided myself as being a good student. okay, i always got first place in primary school, and it didn't hurt either that i'm always in the top 5 in lower secondary. but when i was in form 3, my marks dropped drastically, and i got scared. i got scared that my parents won't love me anymore, because at that time, i was convinced, since i'm such a useless girl (i can never do anything right, except studying, basically i'm a klutz) my parents only loved me for my good result. i was really scared that they'd reject me, so i began rejecting them first. i planned on running away from home. i've already layout the plan in my mind, as where to get the initial money, where would i go, and what would i do later. the only thing left from this plan was to get my family to hate me, so that they won't worry about me later...

of course i'd pick an argument with the person i love the most in the house, my dad. and the easiest way to make ayah mad at me is to hurt mak. see how evil my plan is? and how brilliant it is when it truly works as i planned? and i did exactly that. i hurt mak, and refused to apologize to her. ayah was furious, and he slapped me. never in my life, that i was slapped by him, no, never. imagine how mad i made him at that time. of course i cried. i cried out, i cried my frustration, my despair, my hopelessness, my anger and my fear. later that night, he came. and he told me that he love me, no matter what faults i have. but that doesn't mean i can go around hurting mak, hurting people around me. he love me for me, not because of my results. he said he'd love me even if i failed the subject. didn't you failed once? he asked, when you were 9? i still love you now, didn't i?

then i entered boarding school. i, who never stayed away from family for a long time, and who can't manage myself, left home. and ayah came to visit me with mak and amir and asyraf every weekend. the school was a stressful place for me, and of course ayah was the one who listened to my cries of woe. when i broke my specs on purpose, he's the one who came and took me home to make a new one. when i was having fever, he's the one giving me advises on what to do (he said to drink soft drink when i'm having fever...weird). and he's the one who came on every occasion in school..

and now, when i first came back from jogja for holiday, i cried when i saw ayah...i didn't know i missed him so much until i saw him in person...

to write every single thing that ayah did for me, this entry would be an excessively long one..

ayah is my pillar of strength, my rock, my support, and my anchor in this world. when i can't take it anymore, it's to him that i turn to...

and a friend of his told me that i'm his pride and joy..

ayah, i really missed you so much..i hope you are happy over

i still cried whenever i think of him...

blood stained tears..

i want to live the past, let me turn back time
the present is too harsh, my future's bleak
staring into the endless darkness
i let tears down my face and i cried

blood stained tears can't bring you back
blood stained tears is all i have
blood stained tears
drowning me...

i tried to be strong, acting like i'm okay
my sadness is hurting you, i know that
but when i'm alone i can't help myself
i'll think of you again and i cried

blood stained tears is my comfort
blood stained tears i hang on to
blood stained tears
killing me...

what can i do now, alone and lost
what can i say now, no words for me
i never thought you'd gone so fast

blood stained tears...

Sep 22, 2007

Nanda kore?

Today, 8:26 am, Jogja time

I'm supposed to revise my studies, but what i'm doing now? Staring in front of the computer, browsing thru blogs and yeah, searching for new L'Arc~en~Ciel files to download...

Yesterday, 8:45 am, Jogja time

"Pak, kertas Denver II nya ada lagi nggak?"
"Kertas yang dulu di mana? Lagi hilang?"
"Hehe...Makasih ya pak!!"

Denver II. i dreaded anything that has to do with a)skills lab, b)practicals, and c)going out of campus doing practicals for skills labs.

and yeah, i pretty much dreaded the Denver II test.

and it's not helping that i had to do the test with another group, and i would not (and did not) have a partner with me to help me doing the test.
being with a bunch of snotty kids did not help either.

but then again one had to do what one must eventually i dragged myself out of the skills lab secretariat wearing totally mismatched clothes (jeans with strap on pvc black shoes...urgh), out to the INTER building, and just in time to catch a friend of mine who's willing to give me a lift to the TPA (taman panti asuhan aka nursery) (thanks AGUNG!!).

so,here we are.
TPA. it's hot, noisy and i'm coughing like there's no tomorrow. and why did i feel like my fever's getting worse after seeing kids running around?

grudges aside, beside the laziness and the fever, i like doing Denver II test. surprise surprise!! basically because it's a refreshing thing. being with kids don't require you to be cool, or macho or whatever the current youth society requires you to be. kids just want your attention and your willingness to go down and play with them. it's not a bad thing actually, after you get pass the crying and wailing.

the test took me around hmm..might be half an hour to do, the rest i spent playing around with my test subject (okay, that sounds so, i'll change to emm, my test subject?), called Nanda (her real name was quite long, i don't remember, besides everyone calls her with that name). she's cute, she's clever, and she likes me. what more can you ask? it's a bliss being with her, even though she's a bit clingy (keep calling "mbak! mbak!" when i went to get my bag and finished my report). although when i'm leaving, she refused to acknowledge me...isk isk isk (merajuk kot..sebab lepas ni dah tak jumpa lagi..)

so what i learn from this test:

  • kids don't care if you have food to bait them with. if you don't have the right technique, food won't work. period.
  • kids are active. and they are a jealous bunch too. who said kids are innocent?
  • kids don't give a damn if you are cute or handsome, or if you are really a smooth talker. if you're not willing to get messy with them, you can forget about it.

  • am i making sense?

    Sep 21, 2007


    since i don't have the courage yet to analyze my feelings yet...i just posted a translation from a song titled stand by me by anna tsuchiya..i think it pretty summed up how i'm feeling about my father now.. ______________________________________________________________________________________

    No where to go
    I walk a long way while muttering
    that I'm sorry for this kind of myself.
    Innocent butterfly,
    Fly into the blue sky. By myself, tears spill sadly at nightfall
    It's Cold...
    An excessively long, dark night
    Opens my eyes Sadness passes by painfully.
    But I suddenly throw it all away
    Because you loved me... Kiss me & stay with me
    A flower blooming in eternity moves on, fleeting strongly
    How could you smile for me
    It's fine not to do anything
    I want to forever be beside you
    Always closely stand by me You softly caressed my cheek
    Your warmth...
    It's gentle...
    A silent love of illusions...
    Opens my eyes I was a weak, brutal person
    A foolish being...
    But you forgave me... Kiss me & say good bye
    A closed-up flower rings out weakly and sadly
    How could you cry for me
    It's fine not to say anything
    I want to forever be beside you
    Always be beside me, smiling for me... Kiss me & stay with me
    A flower blooming in eternity moves on, fleeting strongly
    How could you smile for me
    It's fine not to do anything
    I want to forever be beside you Kiss me & say good bye
    A closed-up flower rings out weakly and sadly
    How could you cry for me
    It's fine not to say anything
    I want to forever be beside you
    Always be beside me, smiling for me...
    ____________________________________________________________________________________click here for my previous blog