Sep 23, 2007

memories of ayah

today i feel especially down. thus two entries of my blog...

it's been 11 days since my dad passed away, and i definitely still feel his lost.. being the eldest of the family and the only girl makes me especially close to ayah. i like to think that I'm the one resemble him the most, though in fact i do not know whether it's true or not.

ayah is my true idol. all i did, i'm just copying him. he's a great sportsman, i learned to play sport. he's a good artist, i started drawing. he's good with people, i observed and try to be like him. he's a great teacher, i tried to be a good friend..

when i was small, around 7 or 8 years old, i was a stubborn, hard-headed child. i would bully my youngest brother mercilessly and of course, my mom would get mad at me. being an obstinate child, I'd argue with her, and that made ayah especially mad. i'm the only one in the family that got all the "special" treatment from him; canning, being locked outside, being locked in the bathroom, etc. due to my stubbornness. but i always forgave him afterwards, because he always explained to me the reason he did that in his gentle, understanding voice.

i grew up later without much arguments with my family. however, my self crisis didn't ended there.

i prided myself as being a good student. okay, i always got first place in primary school, and it didn't hurt either that i'm always in the top 5 in lower secondary. but when i was in form 3, my marks dropped drastically, and i got scared. i got scared that my parents won't love me anymore, because at that time, i was convinced, since i'm such a useless girl (i can never do anything right, except studying, basically i'm a klutz) my parents only loved me for my good result. i was really scared that they'd reject me, so i began rejecting them first. i planned on running away from home. i've already layout the plan in my mind, as where to get the initial money, where would i go, and what would i do later. the only thing left from this plan was to get my family to hate me, so that they won't worry about me later...

of course i'd pick an argument with the person i love the most in the house, my dad. and the easiest way to make ayah mad at me is to hurt mak. see how evil my plan is? and how brilliant it is when it truly works as i planned? and i did exactly that. i hurt mak, and refused to apologize to her. ayah was furious, and he slapped me. never in my life, that i was slapped by him, no, never. imagine how mad i made him at that time. of course i cried. i cried out, i cried my frustration, my despair, my hopelessness, my anger and my fear. later that night, he came. and he told me that he love me, no matter what faults i have. but that doesn't mean i can go around hurting mak, hurting people around me. he love me for me, not because of my results. he said he'd love me even if i failed the subject. didn't you failed once? he asked, when you were 9? i still love you now, didn't i?

then i entered boarding school. i, who never stayed away from family for a long time, and who can't manage myself, left home. and ayah came to visit me with mak and amir and asyraf every weekend. the school was a stressful place for me, and of course ayah was the one who listened to my cries of woe. when i broke my specs on purpose, he's the one who came and took me home to make a new one. when i was having fever, he's the one giving me advises on what to do (he said to drink soft drink when i'm having fever...weird). and he's the one who came on every occasion in school..

and now, when i first came back from jogja for holiday, i cried when i saw ayah...i didn't know i missed him so much until i saw him in person...

to write every single thing that ayah did for me, this entry would be an excessively long one..

ayah is my pillar of strength, my rock, my support, and my anchor in this world. when i can't take it anymore, it's to him that i turn to...

and a friend of his told me that i'm his pride and joy..

ayah, i really missed you so much..i hope you are happy over there...al-Fatihah..

i still cried whenever i think of him...

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

i cried reading this.
becoz im exactly like u.
dad's pet.
but maybe ur stronger than me.
thats why you get to be tested on this earlier than me.
yeah my time will come too.
altho there are times when i do hope i'd die earlier then my parents.
but the i guess, i'd be pretty selfish.

sigh.

i dont wanna say sorry or express any sympathy.
becoz i know it can do nothing.
the pain is way beyond any comforting words.
but really...
YOU KNOW YOU GOT ME.

i mean it.


Raje.

rean said...

pray raje,
pray that your parents will left you at the time you are strong, really strong to accept the fact that they're gone. pray that you've done everything you could to make them happy...my greatest regret is my dad didn't manage to see me becoming a doctor, since he's the one who wanted me to be one so badly...
pray that we can be the "anak-anak solehah" that can send doa to our parents...

ibnu_umar said...

salam

i pray al fatihah to your dad and may Allah put his soul with those who are blessed.. ameen..