This is the fourth post about the same shit.

Oh god. I'm going psycho over this thing.

Wawawawa!

I just want to move on with it!! Why can't I???

(Cause rean, you need a proper closure)  >.>

Ps: will I have a fifth post for this?

>.>;;

whee

I am so stupid.

Gone

My stomach lurched when you said you were going away....
And you're already so far away to begin with....

*sigh*

the words he said

I trust you and you trust me, I know that you are smart and I know you are going to make good decisions, so you do whatever you want to do.

you've made me happy, thank you :)

From My Window

I looked outside, through my window

Through the curtain

Bars

And glass

Straight ahead there’s a wall

A small tended garden

And my neighbor’s roof.

The sun is shining

Outside

From my window

But in my room

It’s as dark as night

How to not feel guilty for not studying during exam time

This always happens to me. It is during week 6 that I usually have tons of (unimportant) things to do, and frequent long dinners. Just to escape the fact that I still haven’t finished reading my (tons of) notes or do any of the (stacks of) past years. Tonight, I’m planning to watch X-Men Origin while knowing fully that my paper will be on fakken Tuesday at 10 am.

WTF!!!

Okay. So here are a few tips I made to not feel guilty for watching movie tonight.

1. Study at least one lecture before going out.
2. Convince yourself that you deserve this movie (plus long dinner) because you had just finished the stupid Pathology Anatomy exam.
3. Try and do at least 10 questions from the past year.
4. Do not discuss about exam with friends while out.
5. Promise self to study non-stop for the next three days. No long lunch, and a long dinner is a definite no-no.
6. Last but not least, never ever forget you still have exam on Tuesday. Just in case tonight fun drags to tomorrow and the day after….

Actually, I rarely feel guilty for not studying... hahaha! But since I promised myself to take third year very seriously, I’m trying to feel guilty for not studying…not guiltyla.. more like PANICKING!

So, any other additions for my list?

loneliness

i feel lonely.
i got friends.
but not a clique.
i need to be a part of clique. hiks

aihh...
maybe i just need another vacation
but maybe, i need to start to be part of the crowd,
instead of building an invisible cocoon around me.

Thank You

Thank you for being there for me.
Thank you for putting up with my selfish behaviors.
Thank you for giving me a peace of mind.
Thank you for comforting me.
Thank you for understanding.
Thank you for not pushing me around.
Thank you.

even if I write a thousand thank yous, it wouldn't be enough to convey my feelings.

once again.
thank you.

deciding between the two

i am allowed to have crushes on two guys, am i??

it's not like i'm cheating or anything, since its just a crush..

aaaaaaaaa..

do make up your mind, girl!

A-Lone-Ly Existence

I love my busy days.
even tho i complain about them too much.
it's when i'm busy i don't have time to think.
and like i said before, thinking hurts me.

anyways.
i just like being busy. being physically active, going out, thinking about what to do, what to write, whom to meet, really gets me going.
as long as i'm not cooped in my room alone for too long. or being alone for too long.
in the past week, there's rarely a day when i'm alone. there's always someone with me.
either nad, or syazwan, or yan, or anyone.

i really miss school days when i'm never alone.
it's either with aisyah, or mimi, or the basketball geeks.
or with rezuan, or with wan ali.
or just laughing out loud with anet, lie and syeila.
never alone.

or should i say, i never felt lonely back then?

losing somebody

my friend's only grandmother passed away yesterday morning.
i'm not particularly close to that guy, but i befriended his gang.
he sat behind me during lectures.
we don't really talk to each other, because it seems awkward. i never knew what to say to him.
and we just don't clicked.
he's a bit kerek and all, but he's truly a nice guy.
and he loved his grandmother very much.
at least i knew that much because i caught him talking about his grandma now and then.
and the way he talked about her, well it's just filled with love.

losing somebody is hard. it will never be easy. but after you've done crying, you just have to brace yourself up and pick up the pieces. And move on.

maybe the hardest thing to do is moving on, but, we will try our best, won't we, dude?

anyways, it's not my place to write about it here. i'm sorry.

forgetting

haihh..
pesal la bila aku dah nak lupakan orang, orang tu jugak yg akan igtkan aku kepada dia?

i'm sick of living in uncertainty, hoping for something that could never be.
when i finally decided to let go, he came back and haunts me.

shitty isn't it?

after ignoring me for nearly 2 years.

aihh..
i don't give a damn anymore.

pre exam stress mode

i'm hating exams more and more.

why not?
exams are usually the only time i have enough time to think.
and thinking is not what i want to do lately.

thinking scares me, hurts me even.
and i'm afraid of the hurt.

a lot of things hurting me lately.
and lately referring to two years back.
more like two-and-a-half-year back.

and when i am left alone, with too much time in my hands, i tend to think.
thinking and reminiscing.
which will lead me to self loathing, and regrets.
eventually tears will fall.
heh.

ought to save myself.
i know i should grow out of it.
but how do you forget someones you really love?

lets talk about me.

lets talk about me.

nothing had changed much about me.
i'm still the same girl that i was when i was 12.
some how it doesn't seem that i've grown up.
or more like, i've mature too early and stayed that way.
mentally, i think.

never was a child that gives a damn about my surrounding.
i just do what i want, not even caring the effect of my actions.
my dad called me selfish.
and i know that's true.
don't think i've outgrown this childish habit of mine.
still do things carelessly, still oblivious to my surrounding.
and still, i have that "i don't give a damn about you" attitude.

girls who are really close to me, i think they knew that, even though
i like to hug them, it's a no-no, a big NO to touch me.
no touching please. not even holding my hands.
people that can cling on to me, must have really special spot in my life.
even then, sometimes i'll say "jangan sentuh aku boleh tak?"
touch-o-phobia? may be.

i think i love my life.
even though i complained about it too much.
somehow i feel like if i'm writing about it, it's like i'm trying too hard to convince myself.
that's the main reason why i don't write about how much i love my family.
Family? Love?
we're not really a tight bunch, but we can count on each other.
i like that, at least we don't suffocate each other.
unconsciously, each of us have a really individual spirit.
like, "yes, i love you, and yes, i'll be there for you if you need me, but i also won't allow you
to tie me down, okay?"
maybe most girls don't understand.
i don't know.
but i think the guys are okay with this.
and since i've been raised almost like a guy,
i understand this very much.
and that really explain my needs to be alone when i'm stressed up.
or when i feel like i messed up.
and also explain why i need my daily dose of solitude.

i need my solitude. i crave it.
even though i really hate eating alone, but i really need some time to be by myself.
small things.
my own room.
being able to do what i want, without thinking of hurting others.
get dress, start Ken-chan and go.
not being tied to anyone.
but myself.
it's a good thing.
it gives me time to reflect.
and time to enjoy my own company.
not all can stand my switching back and forth between a metal rock band and some funky rock and roll songs.
or reading caries-inducing love stories, and then devouring thriller/gory/mystery comic.

i really have nothing against guys, or girls
but i have something against anyone that's doing gender bashing.
even in fictions.
i don't hate smokers.
in fact, i think they're cool.
but i don't like the fact that most of them aren't considerate
to people around them.
sometimes i feel like yelling at them and say, "put off your cigs you bastards!"
i don't wanna die of cancer, okay. it's painful, to watch and to experience it.

i don't want to move on.
i want to stay fixated on one point.
i want to be able to love.
i don't want to hate.
i want to grow up.
i hate growing up.
i wish i can turn back time.
i want to live in the future.
i don't care even if i die.
i'm crying for help.
i don't need help.
i just wish the person will notice me.
i don't want to be hated.
i wish i could really give myself up to GOD.

guys, girls and a little touch of reality

is having a boyfriend or girlfriend really important? is having someone you like liking you back is really important? is it a must for the person you fancy to reciprocate your feelings?

i don't know
i honestly don't know.
all of the guys i've had crush on didn't even know i exist. if they do, i don't think they realized that i'm a girl. or maybe they just think that i'm just a "gedik" girl (which is worst).

being an expert on unrequited love (well, not really), i found out it's not such a big deal that your love wasn't returned. it's not like if you have an unrequited love you won't have money to live. or there'll be people wanting to assassinate you. or the world will suddenly crumble to pieces and we're facing Armageddon. yeah, you'll get sad. and the world will also becomes bleak and unworthy to live in. but who's to blame when all starting to dwindle around you? when you start to lose your touch to reality? or when your world is turning upside down? the person who doesn't return your love? the one they prefer? or your own self?

they did nothing to you except saying no. and maybe it's you that start to read too much about their attention towards you. putting too much hope into it, and when it starts to crumble, you blame the person for leading you on and break your heart into pieces. and you ponder and ponder upon it, slandering the one that you once love. is your love that shallow? is it just for show?

i've been through losses. i've been dumped by the guy i truly like once. most of the time my crushes had their eyes set on girls that i can never be. and there's even the time when i thought everything is going smoothly, i found out that the guy already had a girlfriend. of course i've been through a lot of heartbreaks. i've had happy episodes in my pathetic love story, but that's only 3 to 4 episodes. in the 365 chapters of woeful love drama, that's just brief moments. very brief moments. my love story is a nightmare itself, i don't even know if anyone finds me attractive. i just assume that i'm not.

however, that doesn't give me the license to slander the male populations. stereotyping them into a bunch of idiotic people who only prefer pretty, shallow girls over plain but personalised girls. by doing it, not only i condemned the opposite sex, i also cursed my own. what good can i get from that? nothing. it only show how stupid and weak i am. or maybe how much of an asshole i am. or maybe just to show how superficial my love is, easily abandoned upon facing an obstacle.

i tried my very best, to keep on good terms with all my ex-crushes. even when they broke my heart. because, it's not their fault that i've fallen for them. they don't even ask for it. and they don't intentionally mean to break my fragile cardiac. maybe it's not time for me yet, and maybe i'm not ready, and they sensed it. so i move on. from crush to crush, heartbreak to heartbreak, keeping track of the previous ones, repeating the same mistakes again and again. but always, always i try to say good things and have good intentions for them.

that's why i don't accept slandering the opposite sex. it's just lame. i truly belief that you make your own happiness. getting the person you like doesn't even guarantee your happiness if you cannot be grateful of what you had. you, yourself have to make you happy.

i may not have luck with guys whatsoever, but i'm surrounded by lots of girls whom i called friends. and they truly the best that i had, they cheered me up when i'm down, and go crazy together when i'm happy. and i won't trade them for anyone in the world. ever. so i'm happy, even with a 365 episodes of sad love story...

black death

i think i should change the background color of my blog to something more cheerful.
anything other than black.

or maybe not.
aiihhh...

lately, some of my guy friends blogs are filled with angst, and hopelessness. and some uses the black background to suit the mood. maybe there's something in the air that only affect those who produce testosterone in abundance.

but that doesn't explain my own angst-ridden entries, or despair that's shown in the girls' blogs. haiihhh...
seriously, there's something in the air. if not, there's something in the water. or whatever.

or maybe this anger, this hopelessness, this despair is some kind of new virus that easily affected all that tread the blogworld.

hopefully we'll find cure for it soon.
until then, be prepare to spiral down the dark, murky path of blackness...

Growing Up

when i was a kid, i always imagine being a grown up must be interesting. getting to stay up all night, wearing beautiful clothes that you can buy using your own money, traveling alone...

but now where am i? 21 going 22, and i still not the adult that i wanted to be. and i don't think i want to be an adult either.

i'm not gonna reminisce the childhood days of mine. but i want to retain the wide eyed wonder that i used to stare at the world. the innocent curiosity, the never ending sense of adventure. and of course the unquenchable thirst for knowledge.

i lost all those things when i grow up. i think i've turned into this ass who's too lazy to THINK. somehow along the way, i've traded my brain cells for what ever shit that's in my head now. i've become this boring, idiotic girl, whose thought evolve around surviving school and doing lame things in my free time.

GROWING UP SUCKS. big time...*sigh*

betrayal

being betrayed is hurtful.
even though it's just a mere prank, and it means nothing significant.
but still it hurt...because it will effect my relationship with the person...

I don't want anything to change, right now, I can't accept changes yet..
I just hope that he won't betray me further than that small prank...

a letter

dear GOD,

I'm thankful that I've been born a Muslim
I'm thankful that I've never blame You for all the bad things that had happened to me
I'm thankful that I've been blessed with a happy family, good friends, and a good brain
I'm thankful that I've never had the need to support my own self
I'm thankful that even though with all the things happened to me, I'm still happy
I'm thankful that I'm alive
I'm thankful for every single moment of my life
I know that I'm not that good, but I'm thankful that You always give me the chances to be better.

Thank you.

memories of ayah

today i feel especially down. thus two entries of my blog...

it's been 11 days since my dad passed away, and i definitely still feel his lost.. being the eldest of the family and the only girl makes me especially close to ayah. i like to think that I'm the one resemble him the most, though in fact i do not know whether it's true or not.

ayah is my true idol. all i did, i'm just copying him. he's a great sportsman, i learned to play sport. he's a good artist, i started drawing. he's good with people, i observed and try to be like him. he's a great teacher, i tried to be a good friend..

when i was small, around 7 or 8 years old, i was a stubborn, hard-headed child. i would bully my youngest brother mercilessly and of course, my mom would get mad at me. being an obstinate child, I'd argue with her, and that made ayah especially mad. i'm the only one in the family that got all the "special" treatment from him; canning, being locked outside, being locked in the bathroom, etc. due to my stubbornness. but i always forgave him afterwards, because he always explained to me the reason he did that in his gentle, understanding voice.

i grew up later without much arguments with my family. however, my self crisis didn't ended there.

i prided myself as being a good student. okay, i always got first place in primary school, and it didn't hurt either that i'm always in the top 5 in lower secondary. but when i was in form 3, my marks dropped drastically, and i got scared. i got scared that my parents won't love me anymore, because at that time, i was convinced, since i'm such a useless girl (i can never do anything right, except studying, basically i'm a klutz) my parents only loved me for my good result. i was really scared that they'd reject me, so i began rejecting them first. i planned on running away from home. i've already layout the plan in my mind, as where to get the initial money, where would i go, and what would i do later. the only thing left from this plan was to get my family to hate me, so that they won't worry about me later...

of course i'd pick an argument with the person i love the most in the house, my dad. and the easiest way to make ayah mad at me is to hurt mak. see how evil my plan is? and how brilliant it is when it truly works as i planned? and i did exactly that. i hurt mak, and refused to apologize to her. ayah was furious, and he slapped me. never in my life, that i was slapped by him, no, never. imagine how mad i made him at that time. of course i cried. i cried out, i cried my frustration, my despair, my hopelessness, my anger and my fear. later that night, he came. and he told me that he love me, no matter what faults i have. but that doesn't mean i can go around hurting mak, hurting people around me. he love me for me, not because of my results. he said he'd love me even if i failed the subject. didn't you failed once? he asked, when you were 9? i still love you now, didn't i?

then i entered boarding school. i, who never stayed away from family for a long time, and who can't manage myself, left home. and ayah came to visit me with mak and amir and asyraf every weekend. the school was a stressful place for me, and of course ayah was the one who listened to my cries of woe. when i broke my specs on purpose, he's the one who came and took me home to make a new one. when i was having fever, he's the one giving me advises on what to do (he said to drink soft drink when i'm having fever...weird). and he's the one who came on every occasion in school..

and now, when i first came back from jogja for holiday, i cried when i saw ayah...i didn't know i missed him so much until i saw him in person...

to write every single thing that ayah did for me, this entry would be an excessively long one..

ayah is my pillar of strength, my rock, my support, and my anchor in this world. when i can't take it anymore, it's to him that i turn to...

and a friend of his told me that i'm his pride and joy..

ayah, i really missed you so much..i hope you are happy over there...al-Fatihah..

i still cried whenever i think of him...