lets talk about me.

lets talk about me.

nothing had changed much about me.
i'm still the same girl that i was when i was 12.
some how it doesn't seem that i've grown up.
or more like, i've mature too early and stayed that way.
mentally, i think.

never was a child that gives a damn about my surrounding.
i just do what i want, not even caring the effect of my actions.
my dad called me selfish.
and i know that's true.
don't think i've outgrown this childish habit of mine.
still do things carelessly, still oblivious to my surrounding.
and still, i have that "i don't give a damn about you" attitude.

girls who are really close to me, i think they knew that, even though
i like to hug them, it's a no-no, a big NO to touch me.
no touching please. not even holding my hands.
people that can cling on to me, must have really special spot in my life.
even then, sometimes i'll say "jangan sentuh aku boleh tak?"
touch-o-phobia? may be.

i think i love my life.
even though i complained about it too much.
somehow i feel like if i'm writing about it, it's like i'm trying too hard to convince myself.
that's the main reason why i don't write about how much i love my family.
Family? Love?
we're not really a tight bunch, but we can count on each other.
i like that, at least we don't suffocate each other.
unconsciously, each of us have a really individual spirit.
like, "yes, i love you, and yes, i'll be there for you if you need me, but i also won't allow you
to tie me down, okay?"
maybe most girls don't understand.
i don't know.
but i think the guys are okay with this.
and since i've been raised almost like a guy,
i understand this very much.
and that really explain my needs to be alone when i'm stressed up.
or when i feel like i messed up.
and also explain why i need my daily dose of solitude.

i need my solitude. i crave it.
even though i really hate eating alone, but i really need some time to be by myself.
small things.
my own room.
being able to do what i want, without thinking of hurting others.
get dress, start Ken-chan and go.
not being tied to anyone.
but myself.
it's a good thing.
it gives me time to reflect.
and time to enjoy my own company.
not all can stand my switching back and forth between a metal rock band and some funky rock and roll songs.
or reading caries-inducing love stories, and then devouring thriller/gory/mystery comic.

i really have nothing against guys, or girls
but i have something against anyone that's doing gender bashing.
even in fictions.
i don't hate smokers.
in fact, i think they're cool.
but i don't like the fact that most of them aren't considerate
to people around them.
sometimes i feel like yelling at them and say, "put off your cigs you bastards!"
i don't wanna die of cancer, okay. it's painful, to watch and to experience it.

i don't want to move on.
i want to stay fixated on one point.
i want to be able to love.
i don't want to hate.
i want to grow up.
i hate growing up.
i wish i can turn back time.
i want to live in the future.
i don't care even if i die.
i'm crying for help.
i don't need help.
i just wish the person will notice me.
i don't want to be hated.
i wish i could really give myself up to GOD.